Love Came Down At Christmas (or A Nativity Dirge)

So is hope supposed to be found in you? Cause tonight, of all nights, I can't seem to find any.

Does that mean my connection is bad? Is my receiver broken? Why do I, tonight, of all nights, feel so lost and helpless and hopeless? Isn't Christmas Eve the beginning of Hope, the birth of Hope, the night we set aside to mark the coming of Hope into this world, with all the limitations of humanity, yet still with Power enough to change it?

If hope comes in You then am I not in You? If love came down at Christmas, why do I feel so unloved, so abandoned, still? So incapable of loving or ever being loved? How come even knowing that people love me doesn't seem to make any difference in how I feel?

I know my hope is not found in them, but tonight I had so many reminders of where I've failed at loving and being loved...I still can't think of Laura without getting depressed, let alone see her and hear others talk about how great she is...I equally love and hate being around Melissa once a year, tonight, of all nights, because I've always wanted to have the chance to like her...seeing Patricia and her mom and knowing that I wasn't strong enough to make that work...seeing Amanda and her parents, who looked at me with scorn and wouldn't acknowledge me when I tried to make eye contact with them, and knowing I was too particular to give that a shot...and one by one seeing people who have stepped into my life and I've stepped out of theirs and I realize, yet again...that I have no hope of ever being truly happy--that is if hope comes from Someone, or perhaps is something that just happens.

What good is a hope that is inaccessible cause I'm not good enough or smart enough (or dumb enough) or obedient enough or surrendered enough? What good is a hope that doesn't exist when I feel I need it most? Does how I feel even matter? Is hope or joy something that I'm responsible for conjuring up on my own? Is it just a different way of thinking? Is there some Secret about thinking positively and good things will happen?

Why does brokenness have to last so long? What am I supposed to learn in this? (Is that all this is for, so that I learn something a little new, or gain a new perspective? Is that the trade in all of this?) How do You expect me to trust when You seem so suspect? Why is my perspective not more like Job's or the three from the fiery furnace--that regardless the circumstance (or perhaps how I feel) I would never want to impugn your character or call into question your faithfulness?

Or is this what hope is supposed to feel like? Am I just too quick to call it despair? Do You just allow me to feel this way or are you the cause, the very source, of it?

What's with the nagging stomachache that stalks me? Is this just my new normal, or should I expect more from you, believe that you can heal and restore and love and forgive? Am i to just learn to live with these ominous storm clouds and nebulous, swirling thoughts, or is there ever hope of silver-lined clouds and sunsets? When can I feel again all that is not pain?

If love came down at Christmas, if tonight is the night that you chose to visit earth, could you please visit me? I sure feel like I could use that right about now.