i am dumb.
i have the worst blogger name, no danger or lateness in it. not even cool initials...i almost changed it but i thought it to be rather fitting. also i joked with josh about being the worst writer on the blog cause im not good at english, and then i just read everyone elses little blogs or posts or whatever you want to call them, and i realize that it blows when false humility bites you in the ass...but i guess that stuff happens.
that was my introduction.
so im excited about this blog. i was down in tampa this weekend and i really was excited to get home to write in this. i dont know why i was excited really, i dont feel like i have anything pressing to say, in fact maybe the most pressing this is the lack of pressing things in my life. i dont really know what you guys are gonna say, and i hope that i can add valuable things, but i feel like right now i dont have a ton to add in life. i feel pretty empty. like you know how they say you gotta be filled up to be able to pour into other people...well i feel like i couldnt do that right now. i feel like so confused bc i want so badly to have influence in this world, and im convinced so much that Jesus is the hope of the world, and really the worlds only hope. and i wanna be able to impact this world with that truth, but i feel more impotent to do that then i ever have in my whole life. i know that its really jesus who does that and not me and i know all that good stuff, but i still feel weak and so hopeless.
i did get to talk to a friend this weekend in tampa who is really struggling with lesbianism. it was really cool to get to talk to her about it, and she knows she shouldnt do it, but its just really hard for her. and i just didnt know what to say, and i prayed a lot while i was sitting there with her and asked God for help, but i still just feel like im not sure i did any good. and i had no idea what to say or anything like that. its a really hard issue, i mean what do you do with it when she says that her lesbian friends have been so good to her and loved her and all that, and so many of her "christian" friends have kinda abandoned her. what do i say to that. what do i say considering ive seen her maybe 5 times in the past 2 years. maybe ive prayed for her 5 times since i found out that she was really struggling with this, and thats been about a year, and i never talked to her about it either...what kind of love is that? thats the love of jesus?
im overwhelmed by that situation. im overwhelmed by my life, i am incapable of handling it, im going through my life day by day just winging it. hoping it goes well. hoping things turn out ok. no intentionality, just winging it. and i dont know how to change any of it. and i know that jesus does that, but why isnt it happening if jesus does it.
i could go on like this for a long time, but i think im gonna stop now and spare you all. i have lots of incoherent rambling in my head, and i havent proofread this, but im sure its incredibly disjointed...thats what my mind feels like. it feels disjointed. i really want clarity, i want direction, i want to have something to go for, but i dont have it, or maybe im scared to have it...i dont know.
enough is enough, i love you guys, and i promise my posts wont always be obnoxious and down, i wont always be a debbie downer, but really i do love you all, and thanks for letting me write on this with you. even just babbling just now was good for my heart...much love
1 comment:
it's so funny that i really feel the same way most of the time. longing to make an impact, but feeling so powerless to do so. in south africa last year i was sitting with a kid burned from head to toe wrapped in bandages that needed changing and felt so empty, so weak. i could do nothing to help him. i felt like this was what Jesus' form of ministry was about...good news to the poor and hurting. actual, literal good news. not a set of propositional truths. and yet i could do absolutely nothing. I felt so unprepared for ministry. I still feel so unprepared.
that story from south africa sums up how i've felt in most of life recently. completely debilitated. knowing that Jesus can move and waiting for Him to move, but not able to see it happen is depressing. wondering how to be more like a dolphin (and to what extent i can actually take control of my life--especially when i don't feel like it--and swim against the currents that would take me wherever they wish) than a jellyfish.
who would have ever thought life would look like this? when did the stakes get so high?
dan-you should move to orlando.
Post a Comment