i was out at the beach this morning just spending some time reading and thinking and things like that. i feel like i need to do that when i live within biking distance of the beach. i also feel like i need to talk about my close proximity to the beach when i know that i live way closer to the beach than anyone else who is reading this blog, but thats neither here nor there. today i was thinking about shannon, as some of you know i have been thinking about her a lot lately. today specifically i was thinking about one of the things that since we are no longer together i have missed so much and i guess i appreciate it way more now that its not in my life anymore. anyways i have realized that shannon is probably the most accepting person i have known. she accepts people as they are, not wanting them to change or improve or anything like that. i mean seemingly the weirder or more unique the person, the more she seems to welcome them. in the two years we had together i cant remember a single person who she did not accept, or who thought should change. not a single one. she never even complained about people or anything like that. as i think about that i recognize what a phenomenal quality that is, and i realize thats what i want in a wife, someone who accepts me for me, no matter what im like, or what i do, or how stupid i am and all the mistakes i make. someone who i dont have to earn their love. i dont have to be the best at anything, im just accepted. i really miss that about shannon. i think i still tried to earn her love, which was stupid and probably really frustrating for her. anyways as i was thinking about all of this, i couldnt help but think how much i try and earn the love of God. God loves me so much better than shannon ever did, and sooooo much more unconditionally. truly unconditionally. yet all the time i still try and earn it. all the time i worry about losing it. all the time i consider my actions and in the back of my head i worry about my acceptance by God. i do. and the thing that i realized today is that in my heart i want to be accepted by God bc of efforts. i want to earn Gods love. i want it to be about me. i want God to love me bc of something about me. i wanna be the best at something and have God value that. this morning i saw that in myself. this morning i realized that ultimately i dont want that. if god loves me because of some skill or talent, or something i do that pleases him, then i have to keep that up for my whole life. if ever i stop, or become less, then God would love me less. it would make me a slave to pleasing God. see thats just way worse. now i know that this is incredibly simple and you are reading this and thinking well or course man, but today recognizing this stuff in myself, recognizing that i think this way, it was a big deal for me. i have never really been overwhelmed by the unconditional love of God bc secretly i have always wanted at least a little bit for Gods love of me to be about me. today i was overwhelmed. today i recognized that as much as i want a wife who loves me just because im me, even more i want a God who does. and the beautiful thing is that is just how God is.

i almost feel silly posting something so basic, in fact even after just writing it, i thought about not posting it, but you know what its just honest. today thats what i learned about God and it was good for my heart.