nevermind our planmaking

embarrassingly its march 2nd and i just read two posts from january that i had never seen before on this blog. that means i am a bad contributor. scratch that, it means i am not contributing. my bad. reading that most recent post was good for my heart though. i long for a lot of things in life, but i think mostly i long to start living. i live as one who is afraid i think. just earlier today i was thinking about myself (naturally) and remembering when i was just a boy. i can remember the first rollercoaster that i ever was really able to enjoy that was worth anything as a rollercoaster. see i was terrified. the thought of flying off that coaster was so controlling my mind that enjoyment was not a possibility, i only waited until the ride was over to breathe a sigh of relief that i had not in fact died. what happened was i had this sort of epiphany, i cognitively realized that if people flew off these rollercoasters, they would not be allowed to use them, if they were unsafe they couldnt make any money, so they had to make them safe. now of course i couldnt truly know that they were safe until i experienced them, but i did have to believe that they were. so i decided that day that i would not be afraid anymore, that i would go on the rides and trust that i would not die. that day i started to like rollercoasters. it was freeing and awesome.

i think im the same way with God, intellectually i kinda know that things will be best if i really just completely give myself to him and his mission, but there is just still so much of me that is afraid of things. i mean what will people think? will i still be able to have lots of friends and be cool? will i still be able to hang out with people that arent christians? will i still ever be able to have fun? will i get to do so many of the things that i want to do? i cant know the answers to these questions, i just cant, but i think i at least intellectually have to make that jump. to decide that jesus gets all of me. not just the easy parts to give. and trust what i say i already believe, trust that the plans that God has for me are really the best plans for my life.

see im sick of being halfway, its just no way to live. i mean sure i gave jesus my heart, and ultimately God is my boss, but a lot of me wants to be able to control what people think of me. not to have to trust Jesus that it will be ok even if they think im weird. im so sick of this, im so sick of dreaming about what God is gonna do in the world but not doing anything myself. i think i wanna be done with that... so i propose that we nevermind our plan making and lets start living...