return from a brief unintentional hiatus...

My apologies for the extended absence. It's not that I haven't had anything to write or that I haven't desired to read.

I think I'm afraid. I'm afraid of life. Afraid of asking questions. Afraid of the answers to those questions. The poet David Whyte states: "The price of our vitality is the sum of all our fears." I can't seem to rise above my fears yet to engage life. The cost just seems too high.

In the meanwhile the Enemy says ...be lazy...sit...rest...don't pursue...relax...go back to bed...don't ask...don't call... For some reason he wants me dormant. He wants me out of the battle. Disengaged. He's working hard to convince me that my fears and uncertainties and insecurities are more real and more correct than what Jesus says about me. "Be strong and courageous." "Do not be afraid." "I am with you."

But it's still easier to not move. After all...nothing will ever change if you don't change it. It's like in Jenga...as long as you don't pull the blocks out, you'll never win, but you'll also never lose. The wood pile will never fall that way. And so I sit. I don't call. I don't ask. And I wonder why God doesn't do anything. Why my support hasn't come in, even though I've got plenty of contacts and people who have said they're going to give, how come they haven't yet?! I could go to work if everyone who said they would write a check would just do so. I hate feeling like Dog the Bounty Hunter (with less racial slurs) when it comes to raising money. And why am I so unmotivated?

And for those of you who haven't heard, last week I started dating a really nice girl that kind of came up out of left field. I really totally wasn't looking for it at all, since I had my sights set somewhere else. While I feel like all of this could be a really good thing, I can't help but wonder, when do I step up and start taking charge of my life. Or as dan told me several years back to start living my life and stop letting life live me. It seems like every once in a while I can step up and make a decision and go for something, but as soon as I put myself out there it's only a matter of seconds before I'm back in the fetal position being blatantly bludgeoned again by the very vitality I was in pursuit of.

Its so tough to be so broken down so much of the time. "It was goin' pretty good when about halfway through the flap-coil valve burner started smokin, the hydro-pin spinner was burnin' off the manifold drive. I knew if I didn't over-flood the drive when I was gettin' some of that last pylon tryin' to underplate that hydro-coil, I knew if I couldn't do that, I was gonna have to shut her down..." And while Brian Regan still knows more about cars than I do, I continually find myself unable to start, rolling backwards down the very hill I'm trying to climb. How do I get back to the place in life where I feel as though I'm running on all cylinders again?

dan, I can't say that I understand, but I can say that I feel your pain. And you're more of a man than I, cause I'm generally more concerned about the shit that hits my fan than those closest to me.

And the only encouragement I can offer is "Press On." To what? I'm not really sure. Why? I'm not really sure. All I know (know is too strong--willfully want to believe is better) is that somehow, in someway, through all this God is supposedly faithful.

I need to believe that.

i loathe these titles

after just reading tian's post, i couldnt agree more that God is sneaky, and right now i'm in a place where i just am waiting for him to pop up and be like hey thats why all this stuff happened. im so unbelievably frustrated right now, im learning how little i truly trust in God and even in his sneaky-ness. i just found out shannon has a boyfriend now, and that just freaking rips my heart out, i dont understand so much about that. josh rosenthal wrote me a song titled "i dont wanna watch you love somebody else", and thats exactly how i feel. i dont understand how i can still love her, but she can be moved on so quickly. i wanna say so much more about that, but i dont think i will right now. but also today i found out that my dad, who has been jobless since june got turned down for another job that he thought he had, and 2 days ago i heard from my dad that my mom is going back on her depression medication because she is starting to slip back into depression. my mom was almost constantly depressed from about my 6th grade til i was finished with high school, and i know that a lot of it has to do with stress in her life, and part of her stress is my lack of direction, and my depression, and that kills me. and i know that it just kills my dad, and he feels guilty for it too. and its just really hard to see your family hurting a lot and then not be able to do anything about it yourself. i look at this situation and i know its a perfect sneaky God opportunity, but right now its just so hard to believe in that. i know my life isnt even close to as much in shambles as many many peoples lives, but i still feel like God, what the heck are you doing????? if i go through shit thats one thing, but i cant deal with it when other people i care about are and there is nothing i can do. and so right now i just feel freaking wounded, and worried, and i dont trust, i know that i dont trust God bc im constantly worried... im supposed to cast all my cares on God, but i dont even know what that means, and ive done that as much as i know how, and i just feel like God thats not working...where is the sneaky God? where? but even as i write this i think of pauls words, "who are you oh man to question the Almighty"...so i guess i just sit around and wait for God to be my hero? i guess thats all i can do...but even as i sit, im overwhelmed by how little i truly trust God... i dont truly trust him with my relationship, with my job, with where im gonna live, with my future, with my friendships, i dont trust that truth will be brought to the light, i have such unbelievable anxiety about all kinds of things, and i have no idea where this comes from bc im not an anxious person typically...i dont know...this is just a stream of consciousness, but im working at my coffee shop now and blogging seems appropiate, so here i am...

ugh i have no conclusion to this post, but im just freaking frustrated right now with life...and i feel like life is kicking my ass

Rain

The other night I was sitting on my front porch smoking my pipe and reading a book on hermeneutics. I didn't choose that book on my own. I have to read it for what's called a J-term class. Basically, you take a whole semester's worth of work and pack it into one week in January (hence J) of 5 ten hour days. It's a little something that I like to call 'hell on earth.'

Anyway, back to my front porch. So I'm out there taking advantage of the first night in a while where I can sit outside in a t-shirt, long sleeve shirt, and jacket, and not be freezing. As I'm out there reading it starts to rain lightly--or at least that's what it sounded like. Our street is pretty dark at night, and there weren't any puddles yet for me to watch for raindrop splashes. So I couldn't see anything that would indicate rain, but my ears were telling me the rain was there. I started thinking to myself, "man, rain can be sneaky sometimes." Sometimes you don't see it coming, other times you don't see it even when it does come.

I thought about God, and how he can be sneaky sometimes, too. Ever look back on the past 3 or 4 months and been like, 'man, I totally didn't see that at the time'? Or maybe you're stuck in a place and there seems like there's no way out, and you really can't see God in anything? He's there. You may not be able to see him, but if you listen closely you'll hear him. God's just sneaky like that.

location, location, location...

so today i dont have work...im super excited about that, particularly because im just so flipping confused in life about where to be. i talk to aj on the phone and hear about him and tim going and doing all this fun stuff and i think geez it sure would be nice to be in orlando. or i think about how much im struggling just to get by down here in south florida, and how much money its gonna cost me to move into my own place, and i think there has gotta be some place where its just a bit easier. or i even look at atlanta, and just think of all the things that i wouldnt have to worry about if i was up there, like money or health insurance, and i have friends up there, and it just seems easier to me. i was so excited to move down here, but i think a lot of that joy has been stolen by circumstances and struggles. im still planning on going and visiting the church in atlanta, hopefully next week if i can get 1 day off, but i wonder if that will do anything other than just add to my confusion. so today basically im gonna be praying about cities...im gonna be praying that God will guide me to one and give me the confidence that im supposed to be there. I made the move down here so quickly, im wondering if it was the right thing to do, but i suppose that only time will tell. if any of you read this today, if you wanna pray for me as i pray about this, i would appreciate it...thanks gents, much love

Checkems

I'm sure you've all heard the controversy over the movie The Golden Compass. There are even facebook groups protesting the movie. I've recently read two very good blogs that are not just about the movie and how the author wants to kill God, but also about the storyline of all three books. The second one reads more like a book review, but definitely from a Christian perspective:

http://www.almohler.com/blog.php

http://www.rabbitroom.com/?p=281#more-281

1 Samuel 18:27

Really the whole chapter is pretty odd, since it's Saul at his craziest. But this is kinda the pinnacle of all the weirdness.

"David and his men went out and killed two hundred Philistines. He brought their foreskins and presented the full number to the king so that he might become the king's son-in-law. Then Saul gave him his daughter Michal in marriage."

new ideas

Ok. I have an idea. We all know that the Bible has all kinds of verses that are just plain ridiculous... especially when out of context. I issue a challenge to all of you. Post your favorite ridiculous Bible verse. Maybe it is something gross, or maybe something you just wouldn't expect, or even just plain hard to digest. Whatever the case, it will probably make you say, "can the Bible really say that?"
The winner will get... to be the winner. yay
Ok. I'll get it started with the oh so obvious Ezekiel 23. That is perverted man!
whatcha got?