after just reading tian's post, i couldnt agree more that God is sneaky, and right now i'm in a place where i just am waiting for him to pop up and be like hey thats why all this stuff happened. im so unbelievably frustrated right now, im learning how little i truly trust in God and even in his sneaky-ness. i just found out shannon has a boyfriend now, and that just freaking rips my heart out, i dont understand so much about that. josh rosenthal wrote me a song titled "i dont wanna watch you love somebody else", and thats exactly how i feel. i dont understand how i can still love her, but she can be moved on so quickly. i wanna say so much more about that, but i dont think i will right now. but also today i found out that my dad, who has been jobless since june got turned down for another job that he thought he had, and 2 days ago i heard from my dad that my mom is going back on her depression medication because she is starting to slip back into depression. my mom was almost constantly depressed from about my 6th grade til i was finished with high school, and i know that a lot of it has to do with stress in her life, and part of her stress is my lack of direction, and my depression, and that kills me. and i know that it just kills my dad, and he feels guilty for it too. and its just really hard to see your family hurting a lot and then not be able to do anything about it yourself. i look at this situation and i know its a perfect sneaky God opportunity, but right now its just so hard to believe in that. i know my life isnt even close to as much in shambles as many many peoples lives, but i still feel like God, what the heck are you doing????? if i go through shit thats one thing, but i cant deal with it when other people i care about are and there is nothing i can do. and so right now i just feel freaking wounded, and worried, and i dont trust, i know that i dont trust God bc im constantly worried... im supposed to cast all my cares on God, but i dont even know what that means, and ive done that as much as i know how, and i just feel like God thats not working...where is the sneaky God? where? but even as i write this i think of pauls words, "who are you oh man to question the Almighty"...so i guess i just sit around and wait for God to be my hero? i guess thats all i can do...but even as i sit, im overwhelmed by how little i truly trust God... i dont truly trust him with my relationship, with my job, with where im gonna live, with my future, with my friendships, i dont trust that truth will be brought to the light, i have such unbelievable anxiety about all kinds of things, and i have no idea where this comes from bc im not an anxious person typically...i dont know...this is just a stream of consciousness, but im working at my coffee shop now and blogging seems appropiate, so here i am...
ugh i have no conclusion to this post, but im just freaking frustrated right now with life...and i feel like life is kicking my ass
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