My list of what I'm waiting for is really boiled down into one thing. I am waiting for my life to begin. I have always been curious--even a little anxious--to see what God has planned for my life. I am so thankful to know that my purpose is to minister to youth. But I just wish it would begin already! I know that seminary is a part of this process, I know that I am right where God wants me to be, but I feel like I am in a holding cell. Most of the time I hate school. I love the education I am getting, and I even love the majority of my professors. But I am eager to get out and do what I am being prepared to do. And now that we have friends who are graduating and going off to their places of ministry I want to be doing that too. I want to know where God is going to send us, what the church (or other ministry) will look like, and begin leading a ministry. Gentry and I hope to move back to Florida to be with family and friends, but we know that this may not happen. We are doing our best to be content with wherever it may be that God sends us. But this waiting and not knowing makes me very anxious at times. It is so hard to just wait.
But maybe waiting is a good thing. Maybe contentment is a discipline I need to learn. Waiting on the Lord and resting in his good purposes might not be such a bad thing.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Throw yourself into the wave
"He gave me no assurance. No Fixed Lands. Always one must throw oneself into the wave." -King Tor of Perelandra
C.S. Lewis, in Perelandra, sets forth the notion that Venus (called Perelandra) has human life on it, a new proverbial Eden, pre-fall. The two (green-skinned) humans are given the same opportunity of Adam and Eve, but with a new challenge. You see, Perelandra is a watery planet, with islands that float on top of the waves. A still photograph of the islands would reveal landscapes similar to our own, however this landscape is constantly in flux, in motion, such that any point of land could at one moment be the top of a hill and the next the pit of a valley. Their "forbidden fruit", as it were, was an island that had roots beneath the water, a fixed land. Stability, a place to make a home in and return to, to own and control and find consistency. They were not allowed to sleep overnight on the fixed land.
The story is fascinating, and as this is no book report, I will leave it to you to enjoy the story of your own decision, but I was enamored with the outlook of King Tor, of always throwing yourself into whatever position you happen to find yourself. Whatever God sends your way, to take it on full force.
In "Surprised by Joy", Lewis (I am currently reading a lot of Lewis in hopes of finishing my goal of completing his collected bibliography) says, "Shut your mouth; open your eyes and ears. Take in what is there and give no thought to what might have been there or what is somewhere else."
Later he tells how a friend had shown him how to appreciate equally beauty and sorrow, to, in effect, take fully whatever came. "I learned from him that we should attempt a total surrender to whatever atmosphere was offering itself at the moment; in a squalid town to seek out those very places where its squalor rose to grimness and almost grandeur, on a dismal day to find the most dismal and dripping wood, on a windy day to seek the windiest ridge. There was no Betjemmanic irony about it; only a serious, yet gleeful, determination to rub one's nose in the very quiddity of each thing, to rejoice in its being (so magnificently) what it was."
How often do I get dissatisfied with how things are (and even consider that noble!) and not simply ignore the present joys but refuse them. The inhabitants of Perelandra considered (whether by habit or because they knew nothing else) each piece of fruit the best piece of fruit simply becuase it was the only one being eaten at the present. It could not be compared to fruit from yesterday nor to what fruit that might have been.
I think this is, for me, one of the ways that I would like to 'start living'. To live in such communion that I have no need of assurance or a fixed land, but need only the present and eternal Joy.
To throw myself into each wave.
C.S. Lewis, in Perelandra, sets forth the notion that Venus (called Perelandra) has human life on it, a new proverbial Eden, pre-fall. The two (green-skinned) humans are given the same opportunity of Adam and Eve, but with a new challenge. You see, Perelandra is a watery planet, with islands that float on top of the waves. A still photograph of the islands would reveal landscapes similar to our own, however this landscape is constantly in flux, in motion, such that any point of land could at one moment be the top of a hill and the next the pit of a valley. Their "forbidden fruit", as it were, was an island that had roots beneath the water, a fixed land. Stability, a place to make a home in and return to, to own and control and find consistency. They were not allowed to sleep overnight on the fixed land.
The story is fascinating, and as this is no book report, I will leave it to you to enjoy the story of your own decision, but I was enamored with the outlook of King Tor, of always throwing yourself into whatever position you happen to find yourself. Whatever God sends your way, to take it on full force.
In "Surprised by Joy", Lewis (I am currently reading a lot of Lewis in hopes of finishing my goal of completing his collected bibliography) says, "Shut your mouth; open your eyes and ears. Take in what is there and give no thought to what might have been there or what is somewhere else."
Later he tells how a friend had shown him how to appreciate equally beauty and sorrow, to, in effect, take fully whatever came. "I learned from him that we should attempt a total surrender to whatever atmosphere was offering itself at the moment; in a squalid town to seek out those very places where its squalor rose to grimness and almost grandeur, on a dismal day to find the most dismal and dripping wood, on a windy day to seek the windiest ridge. There was no Betjemmanic irony about it; only a serious, yet gleeful, determination to rub one's nose in the very quiddity of each thing, to rejoice in its being (so magnificently) what it was."
How often do I get dissatisfied with how things are (and even consider that noble!) and not simply ignore the present joys but refuse them. The inhabitants of Perelandra considered (whether by habit or because they knew nothing else) each piece of fruit the best piece of fruit simply becuase it was the only one being eaten at the present. It could not be compared to fruit from yesterday nor to what fruit that might have been.
I think this is, for me, one of the ways that I would like to 'start living'. To live in such communion that I have no need of assurance or a fixed land, but need only the present and eternal Joy.
To throw myself into each wave.
so unlike Fear...
One of the conferences we do every year is called Big Break. For four weeks during Spring Break campuses from all over the eastern half of the US come to Panama City Beach to share their faith with other Spring Breakers. Today I had an interesting conversation with our tech director, Ben Warren.
He would say, of the act of sharing or proselytizing, that he (and virtually the collective student body amassed here as well) is "scared shitless" to go out on the beach. That term is far from inaccurate in my own experience as well.
What is it about evangelism (especially of the type we call 'approach evangelism') that generates so much fear in the heart of a man? Yet it is so unlike Fear, so much greater than Fear. Would I (or anyone else in my shoes) be so afraid of selling vacuum cleaners or even peddling something so practically useful as sunblock?
Is it Doubt at the heart of our timidity? Are we (and I switch between the first person singular and plural flippantly because i find that my experience is not isolated) so Insecure about our own Faith that we shrink back and hide from sharing it with others? What conflicing intention drives us away from the beach? We live and die on our hills of "green" and "social justice" and fear not rejection in these battles, perhaps from a sense of intellectual superiority over our antagonists, perhaps merely conviction over what we feel to be true or right. We can share our Politik or Policy sure enough, but Heaven forbid we offend someone (or ourselves) by speaking of Love Himself, of Redemption, of the Greatest Injustice.
Instead, we concoct the grandest of exceptions of why we shouldn't share the Faith, or why we don't need to, or simply for why we don't. What could possibly be at the root of such evasion? Where else in life does fear exist to this exent? Can it be overcome? Should it?
[Incidentally, I would love to write a tale someday that features a character who is so arrested by fear that he recognizes it not as fear but something larger. No good ideas about that yet.]
He would say, of the act of sharing or proselytizing, that he (and virtually the collective student body amassed here as well) is "scared shitless" to go out on the beach. That term is far from inaccurate in my own experience as well.
What is it about evangelism (especially of the type we call 'approach evangelism') that generates so much fear in the heart of a man? Yet it is so unlike Fear, so much greater than Fear. Would I (or anyone else in my shoes) be so afraid of selling vacuum cleaners or even peddling something so practically useful as sunblock?
Is it Doubt at the heart of our timidity? Are we (and I switch between the first person singular and plural flippantly because i find that my experience is not isolated) so Insecure about our own Faith that we shrink back and hide from sharing it with others? What conflicing intention drives us away from the beach? We live and die on our hills of "green" and "social justice" and fear not rejection in these battles, perhaps from a sense of intellectual superiority over our antagonists, perhaps merely conviction over what we feel to be true or right. We can share our Politik or Policy sure enough, but Heaven forbid we offend someone (or ourselves) by speaking of Love Himself, of Redemption, of the Greatest Injustice.
Instead, we concoct the grandest of exceptions of why we shouldn't share the Faith, or why we don't need to, or simply for why we don't. What could possibly be at the root of such evasion? Where else in life does fear exist to this exent? Can it be overcome? Should it?
[Incidentally, I would love to write a tale someday that features a character who is so arrested by fear that he recognizes it not as fear but something larger. No good ideas about that yet.]
Monday, March 2, 2009
nevermind our planmaking
embarrassingly its march 2nd and i just read two posts from january that i had never seen before on this blog. that means i am a bad contributor. scratch that, it means i am not contributing. my bad. reading that most recent post was good for my heart though. i long for a lot of things in life, but i think mostly i long to start living. i live as one who is afraid i think. just earlier today i was thinking about myself (naturally) and remembering when i was just a boy. i can remember the first rollercoaster that i ever was really able to enjoy that was worth anything as a rollercoaster. see i was terrified. the thought of flying off that coaster was so controlling my mind that enjoyment was not a possibility, i only waited until the ride was over to breathe a sigh of relief that i had not in fact died. what happened was i had this sort of epiphany, i cognitively realized that if people flew off these rollercoasters, they would not be allowed to use them, if they were unsafe they couldnt make any money, so they had to make them safe. now of course i couldnt truly know that they were safe until i experienced them, but i did have to believe that they were. so i decided that day that i would not be afraid anymore, that i would go on the rides and trust that i would not die. that day i started to like rollercoasters. it was freeing and awesome.
i think im the same way with God, intellectually i kinda know that things will be best if i really just completely give myself to him and his mission, but there is just still so much of me that is afraid of things. i mean what will people think? will i still be able to have lots of friends and be cool? will i still be able to hang out with people that arent christians? will i still ever be able to have fun? will i get to do so many of the things that i want to do? i cant know the answers to these questions, i just cant, but i think i at least intellectually have to make that jump. to decide that jesus gets all of me. not just the easy parts to give. and trust what i say i already believe, trust that the plans that God has for me are really the best plans for my life.
see im sick of being halfway, its just no way to live. i mean sure i gave jesus my heart, and ultimately God is my boss, but a lot of me wants to be able to control what people think of me. not to have to trust Jesus that it will be ok even if they think im weird. im so sick of this, im so sick of dreaming about what God is gonna do in the world but not doing anything myself. i think i wanna be done with that... so i propose that we nevermind our plan making and lets start living...
i think im the same way with God, intellectually i kinda know that things will be best if i really just completely give myself to him and his mission, but there is just still so much of me that is afraid of things. i mean what will people think? will i still be able to have lots of friends and be cool? will i still be able to hang out with people that arent christians? will i still ever be able to have fun? will i get to do so many of the things that i want to do? i cant know the answers to these questions, i just cant, but i think i at least intellectually have to make that jump. to decide that jesus gets all of me. not just the easy parts to give. and trust what i say i already believe, trust that the plans that God has for me are really the best plans for my life.
see im sick of being halfway, its just no way to live. i mean sure i gave jesus my heart, and ultimately God is my boss, but a lot of me wants to be able to control what people think of me. not to have to trust Jesus that it will be ok even if they think im weird. im so sick of this, im so sick of dreaming about what God is gonna do in the world but not doing anything myself. i think i wanna be done with that... so i propose that we nevermind our plan making and lets start living...
Saturday, January 31, 2009
"What are you waiting for?"
The question, hanging in the air, was posed by John Karakker, and obviously had some twist on it that he wasn't quite ready to explain, mostly cause he wanted us to wrestle not only with our initial reaction to the question, but also with what the question could also mean. When rephrased, it turned out to be something of the sort, "I eagerly expect..." or "I can't wait for the day when..."
In thinking about what I'm waiting for, I realized that most of mine were of the type former, where each of us had initially viewed the question in terms of..."What are you waiting for to get off your ass and do something?" I feel like there are a lot of things that I am still waiting for or on. The list I compiled one morning this week overlooking the St. Johns follows. I hope your lists will as well.
I, in part, long to get married. I long for that intimacy with someone, someone to talk to and commune with, to love and to cherish, til death do us part. In a sense, the rest of my life hangs in that balance, is waiting on that. When asked if I like my job, I say, "For now. I love to travel and love what I do, but it will be tough to do what I do when I have a family..." I am waiting to start my 'adult' life until I have met he and we can chart that out together. What comes next for me hinges on her. In the meantime, I continue doing what I'm doing now because it's the closes thing to a calling that I have yet to experience, and because I somewhat enjoy myself.
I am waiting to grow up spiritually. Parents have to remind their children to brush their teeth. Make your bed. Go to class. Read that book. But not always. It'd be sad if my mom called every night to remind me to brush my teeth. I feel as if I've ventured out into the part of life where God is giving me the opportunity to mature and develop in my trust of Him by not holding my hand anymore. Where it used to seem so easy to know what I should move to next...
I long for the day when God tells me what to do. When I have a pure and holy passion. When I feel right about being in a relationship and want to pursue that out of love and who I am (and more importantly who Christ is working in me to be) instead of a place of obligation and feeling like I have to. Life was so black and white when He led me by the hand. I'm not real good at this whole making decisions that impact the rest of your life business...especially without reinforcement.
I long for the day when I don't feel like I am just drifting through life, but actually engaging and tackling it. This comes primarily from my need to achieve and succeed at what I do. In college I felt like I was living 100% out of my purpose, and since then I sort of feel as if I'm not sure what my next purpose is--and so I try to enage life, the lift that I've got, at least, day by day, the best I can, in a way just waiting for the day when I feel like I'm firing on all cylinders again.
I am waiting for restoration. Depression is not fun, and there are still too many days (and in too many ways) where I wrestle with depression and don't feel quite back to normal. I long for, and I'm waiting for, the day when that thorn is taken from my side, and for some reason I start to lose hope when I feel like Paul--that just perhaps it may never be so. If I were a city I'd be St. Petersburg or London or Seattle...almost eternally cloudy. I know that the sun exists beyond those clouds, it'd just be nice to see it once in a while...
I am waiting for the day that I understand the gospel and grace such that I let it make application in my life. that I won't live with fear or dread or self-deprecation or pride or selfishness or shame or regret. That Christ living in me and loving me is the only acceptance I need. That the gospel would be come my initial reaction instead of a vague afterthought...
I long for the redemption of the world, when things are set to right.
I am waiting for the renewing of my mind.
In thinking about what I'm waiting for, I realized that most of mine were of the type former, where each of us had initially viewed the question in terms of..."What are you waiting for to get off your ass and do something?" I feel like there are a lot of things that I am still waiting for or on. The list I compiled one morning this week overlooking the St. Johns follows. I hope your lists will as well.
I, in part, long to get married. I long for that intimacy with someone, someone to talk to and commune with, to love and to cherish, til death do us part. In a sense, the rest of my life hangs in that balance, is waiting on that. When asked if I like my job, I say, "For now. I love to travel and love what I do, but it will be tough to do what I do when I have a family..." I am waiting to start my 'adult' life until I have met he and we can chart that out together. What comes next for me hinges on her. In the meantime, I continue doing what I'm doing now because it's the closes thing to a calling that I have yet to experience, and because I somewhat enjoy myself.
I am waiting to grow up spiritually. Parents have to remind their children to brush their teeth. Make your bed. Go to class. Read that book. But not always. It'd be sad if my mom called every night to remind me to brush my teeth. I feel as if I've ventured out into the part of life where God is giving me the opportunity to mature and develop in my trust of Him by not holding my hand anymore. Where it used to seem so easy to know what I should move to next...
I long for the day when God tells me what to do. When I have a pure and holy passion. When I feel right about being in a relationship and want to pursue that out of love and who I am (and more importantly who Christ is working in me to be) instead of a place of obligation and feeling like I have to. Life was so black and white when He led me by the hand. I'm not real good at this whole making decisions that impact the rest of your life business...especially without reinforcement.
I long for the day when I don't feel like I am just drifting through life, but actually engaging and tackling it. This comes primarily from my need to achieve and succeed at what I do. In college I felt like I was living 100% out of my purpose, and since then I sort of feel as if I'm not sure what my next purpose is--and so I try to enage life, the lift that I've got, at least, day by day, the best I can, in a way just waiting for the day when I feel like I'm firing on all cylinders again.
I am waiting for restoration. Depression is not fun, and there are still too many days (and in too many ways) where I wrestle with depression and don't feel quite back to normal. I long for, and I'm waiting for, the day when that thorn is taken from my side, and for some reason I start to lose hope when I feel like Paul--that just perhaps it may never be so. If I were a city I'd be St. Petersburg or London or Seattle...almost eternally cloudy. I know that the sun exists beyond those clouds, it'd just be nice to see it once in a while...
I am waiting for the day that I understand the gospel and grace such that I let it make application in my life. that I won't live with fear or dread or self-deprecation or pride or selfishness or shame or regret. That Christ living in me and loving me is the only acceptance I need. That the gospel would be come my initial reaction instead of a vague afterthought...
I long for the redemption of the world, when things are set to right.
I am waiting for the renewing of my mind.
Existentialism on Prom Night
I hadn't seen this one before and thought it looked interesting. I started doing it and then realized that it was more interesting than I had previously thought, so I wrote them down. I wanted to share cause some of them are more than accurate, some of them are mildly humorous, and the rest just make no sense at all.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1. Put your iPod or other music player on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
----------------------------
IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
“A Thank You” Cool Hand Luke
WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
“On our Side” Chris Tomlin
WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
“Butterflies” Pettidee
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
“Reasons” Melissa Myers
WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
“I’ll be good” Gospel Gangstaz
WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
“Already Gone” further seems forever
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
“temptation” Moby
WHAT IS 2+2?
“Track 01” JEW
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
“We don’t Play” Grits
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
“On Fire” Switchfoot
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
“Now that you’re home” Manchester Orchestra
WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
“Make Room” Grits
WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
“God of Creation” David Crowder Band
WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
“In the back” Michael Jackson
WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
“Shenandoah” Bruce Springsteen
WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
“Brand New Colony” the postal service
WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
“Ancient Man” Burlap to Cashmere
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
“Look After You” The Fray
WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
“Free” Delirious?
HOW WILL YOU DIE?
“Lie to Purify” Unearth
WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
“Prairie Fire that Wanders About” Sufjan Stevens
WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
“Tethered” The Myriad
WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
“Unashamed” Lecrae
WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
“King of Glory” Chris Tomlin
WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
“forever” Moby
DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
“Isn’t it Love” Andrew Peterson
IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
“Supreme Quales, Arbiter” Summit Church
WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
“Struck By the Chord” (of pride) Plankeye
WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
“Existentialism on Prom Night” Straylight Run
INSTRUCTIONS:
1. Put your iPod or other music player on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!
----------------------------
IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
“A Thank You” Cool Hand Luke
WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
“On our Side” Chris Tomlin
WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
“Butterflies” Pettidee
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
“Reasons” Melissa Myers
WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
“I’ll be good” Gospel Gangstaz
WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
“Already Gone” further seems forever
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
“temptation” Moby
WHAT IS 2+2?
“Track 01” JEW
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
“We don’t Play” Grits
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
“On Fire” Switchfoot
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
“Now that you’re home” Manchester Orchestra
WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
“Make Room” Grits
WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
“God of Creation” David Crowder Band
WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
“In the back” Michael Jackson
WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
“Shenandoah” Bruce Springsteen
WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
“Brand New Colony” the postal service
WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
“Ancient Man” Burlap to Cashmere
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
“Look After You” The Fray
WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
“Free” Delirious?
HOW WILL YOU DIE?
“Lie to Purify” Unearth
WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
“Prairie Fire that Wanders About” Sufjan Stevens
WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
“Tethered” The Myriad
WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
“Unashamed” Lecrae
WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
“King of Glory” Chris Tomlin
WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
“forever” Moby
DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
“Isn’t it Love” Andrew Peterson
IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
“Supreme Quales, Arbiter” Summit Church
WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
“Struck By the Chord” (of pride) Plankeye
WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
“Existentialism on Prom Night” Straylight Run
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Love Came Down At Christmas (or A Nativity Dirge)
So is hope supposed to be found in you? Cause tonight, of all nights, I can't seem to find any.
Does that mean my connection is bad? Is my receiver broken? Why do I, tonight, of all nights, feel so lost and helpless and hopeless? Isn't Christmas Eve the beginning of Hope, the birth of Hope, the night we set aside to mark the coming of Hope into this world, with all the limitations of humanity, yet still with Power enough to change it?
If hope comes in You then am I not in You? If love came down at Christmas, why do I feel so unloved, so abandoned, still? So incapable of loving or ever being loved? How come even knowing that people love me doesn't seem to make any difference in how I feel?
I know my hope is not found in them, but tonight I had so many reminders of where I've failed at loving and being loved...I still can't think of Laura without getting depressed, let alone see her and hear others talk about how great she is...I equally love and hate being around Melissa once a year, tonight, of all nights, because I've always wanted to have the chance to like her...seeing Patricia and her mom and knowing that I wasn't strong enough to make that work...seeing Amanda and her parents, who looked at me with scorn and wouldn't acknowledge me when I tried to make eye contact with them, and knowing I was too particular to give that a shot...and one by one seeing people who have stepped into my life and I've stepped out of theirs and I realize, yet again...that I have no hope of ever being truly happy--that is if hope comes from Someone, or perhaps is something that just happens.
What good is a hope that is inaccessible cause I'm not good enough or smart enough (or dumb enough) or obedient enough or surrendered enough? What good is a hope that doesn't exist when I feel I need it most? Does how I feel even matter? Is hope or joy something that I'm responsible for conjuring up on my own? Is it just a different way of thinking? Is there some Secret about thinking positively and good things will happen?
Why does brokenness have to last so long? What am I supposed to learn in this? (Is that all this is for, so that I learn something a little new, or gain a new perspective? Is that the trade in all of this?) How do You expect me to trust when You seem so suspect? Why is my perspective not more like Job's or the three from the fiery furnace--that regardless the circumstance (or perhaps how I feel) I would never want to impugn your character or call into question your faithfulness?
Or is this what hope is supposed to feel like? Am I just too quick to call it despair? Do You just allow me to feel this way or are you the cause, the very source, of it?
What's with the nagging stomachache that stalks me? Is this just my new normal, or should I expect more from you, believe that you can heal and restore and love and forgive? Am i to just learn to live with these ominous storm clouds and nebulous, swirling thoughts, or is there ever hope of silver-lined clouds and sunsets? When can I feel again all that is not pain?
If love came down at Christmas, if tonight is the night that you chose to visit earth, could you please visit me? I sure feel like I could use that right about now.
Does that mean my connection is bad? Is my receiver broken? Why do I, tonight, of all nights, feel so lost and helpless and hopeless? Isn't Christmas Eve the beginning of Hope, the birth of Hope, the night we set aside to mark the coming of Hope into this world, with all the limitations of humanity, yet still with Power enough to change it?
If hope comes in You then am I not in You? If love came down at Christmas, why do I feel so unloved, so abandoned, still? So incapable of loving or ever being loved? How come even knowing that people love me doesn't seem to make any difference in how I feel?
I know my hope is not found in them, but tonight I had so many reminders of where I've failed at loving and being loved...I still can't think of Laura without getting depressed, let alone see her and hear others talk about how great she is...I equally love and hate being around Melissa once a year, tonight, of all nights, because I've always wanted to have the chance to like her...seeing Patricia and her mom and knowing that I wasn't strong enough to make that work...seeing Amanda and her parents, who looked at me with scorn and wouldn't acknowledge me when I tried to make eye contact with them, and knowing I was too particular to give that a shot...and one by one seeing people who have stepped into my life and I've stepped out of theirs and I realize, yet again...that I have no hope of ever being truly happy--that is if hope comes from Someone, or perhaps is something that just happens.
What good is a hope that is inaccessible cause I'm not good enough or smart enough (or dumb enough) or obedient enough or surrendered enough? What good is a hope that doesn't exist when I feel I need it most? Does how I feel even matter? Is hope or joy something that I'm responsible for conjuring up on my own? Is it just a different way of thinking? Is there some Secret about thinking positively and good things will happen?
Why does brokenness have to last so long? What am I supposed to learn in this? (Is that all this is for, so that I learn something a little new, or gain a new perspective? Is that the trade in all of this?) How do You expect me to trust when You seem so suspect? Why is my perspective not more like Job's or the three from the fiery furnace--that regardless the circumstance (or perhaps how I feel) I would never want to impugn your character or call into question your faithfulness?
Or is this what hope is supposed to feel like? Am I just too quick to call it despair? Do You just allow me to feel this way or are you the cause, the very source, of it?
What's with the nagging stomachache that stalks me? Is this just my new normal, or should I expect more from you, believe that you can heal and restore and love and forgive? Am i to just learn to live with these ominous storm clouds and nebulous, swirling thoughts, or is there ever hope of silver-lined clouds and sunsets? When can I feel again all that is not pain?
If love came down at Christmas, if tonight is the night that you chose to visit earth, could you please visit me? I sure feel like I could use that right about now.
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