Thursday, January 17, 2008

how to save a life...

so i think that some wounds never heal. i didnt really wanna spend tonight crying, remembering untolerable guilt and pain. there have been so many good things going on in life lately, and i just wanted to watch some of LOST season 3. i grab my sister in laws video ipod to do just that, and the one song it happened to be on out of the entire ipod's library was the fray's how to save a life. probably the only song in the world that makes me think specifically about josh overton, and my inability to save his life. so i listen to it, and weep, and mourn his taking his life again. i mourn for my pain, and his familys pain, and his friends pain, and so many other people's pain. i know that i have gotten a lot better since last april 5th. God has healed me a lot, probably much more than even i know, but i think innately i know that this pain is something i will never be totally free of. every spring break i will remember josh, everytime i hear that song i will remember josh, everytime i hear the date april 5th ill remember him. and i know all the "true" things, i know its not my fault, i know God is in charge of all things, i know that was josh's time, i know all of that...but that doesnt make it go away. the tears still flow freely...even as i type...

i think everyone probably has things that they will always remember that will always cause them pain. this is one of mine. i wanted to write about it bc i think its theraputic for me to do that. i also feel like thus far on this blog i have been way more down and dark than is normal for me. things are changing though, so dont get used to these kinds of posts, God has extraordinarly blessed me lately, and maybe soon ill write about that stuff, but for tonight this is me...

i love you all, i think thats probably true of anyone who actually reads this blog, so take it to heart...bfn

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